'She is refusing because she thinks it's immoral': Boss refuses to give employee a job recommendation because they're married

Author image for Remy Millisky
Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Jun 19, 2023 11:00 AM EDT

When asking someone to be a reference for you, you'd better be darn sure they're willing to say positive things about you. 

Although it can be awkward to ask, having someone who will testify to your character and work ethic is really important as you're job searching. Lots of companies won't ask for references until you're already deep into the interview process. By that point, a reference can absolutely make or break your prospects of working for that company. 

While I've never done so myself, quite a few people seem to be fine with faking their references too. Back before the internet was as far-reaching as it is today, it was easy to tell your friend to "pretend to be my boss Carol and say good things about me." It's a super-risky move that should only be done if you're totally out of options, or you're a teenager trying to get a retail job, with nothing to lose. 

This person has a similar issue with gaining a reference. They have mixed their business life and personal life together. As the OP writes, they're currently pretty miserable working "12-hour days in the sun" in a parking lot, dealing mainly with rich jerks. It's a job with nowhere to go, and the OP has decided they want to move on to a different position. 

But their wife is also their boss. She's in a receptionist/secretary type of job at the same company. But now that OP wants a new gig, they have nowhere to turn for a good reference. Their wife believes that it's wrong to act as a reference. I think that in this circumstance it wouldn't be inappropriate to list her as a reference, as long as it was made crystal clear that they're together. But the OP should really try and find at least three other references that are stronger, because it's still not the best look to have your spouse be your reference. 

Next up, this guy has a plan to make money, but it's as full of holes as a slice of Swiss cheese. 

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    Cheezburger Image 9775328256
    via Martin Engel on Unsplash
  • 02
    Font - r/AmItheA A . Posted by u/Mountain_Sweet_5703 AITA asking my wife, my boss, to be a reference for a interview I work in a parking lot. 12 hour days in the sun for rich a that try to hit me with their car when I say don't park next to a hydrant. Dead end job. I've been trying to get into the trades for a few months. My wife works as head of HR, and personal assistant to the head honcho of the property management office that owns the parking lot I work.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 03
    Font - I asked her to be an email reference for interviews coming up. It's not going to be a phone call, just as email survey that gets aggregated from other references and given to the job. She is refusing because she thinks it's immoral.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 04
    Font - coworker She suggesting using her coworker, which I agreed to. Her is part of the family that owns the business, and as such has some sway in the company, at least a little. I asked what title I could use for her, and was told "receptionist". When I asked for anything that could make that sound better, "head of Hr", "partial owner"/something else that conveys that she and her brothers (mostly her brothers) run this business. I was told to only use receptionist and chastised for trying to
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 05
    Font - My wife terribly, is physically disabled. Not she can still work fine and nobody really knows, but it is serious and impacts her entire body. She desperately wants to follow the footsteps of every other woman in the family in being a stay at home spouse. As I don't have a degree or hard skills, I feel like ducking trash for not being able to support my wife when she complains every single day about having to work.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 06
    Font - I feel that she should 100% swallow the immorality of stretching a resume a little so that maybe I can get a fting job that supports us. I feel it's fting weird that I have to beg and prod my wife to help me get a job, and she seems so reluctant to help.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 07
    Font - More context, a few months back I was drafting a resume. I found an old copy that was the wrong file type and couldn't get printed well. Working 5-6 12 hour days, I asked my wife, working 9-5 m-f at a desk with hours of empty time every day, to copy and make a good file of the resume. She said it wasn't possible because the file types are incompatible. I asked her to pull the compatible one up, or print it out, and then copy the words into a new file. I guess I didn't explain myself well
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 08
    Human body - AITA for expecting a little bit more help from my wife?
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 09
    Font - wtfaidhfr Pooperintendant [60] YTA. You can't use family as references. Lying on your resume/references is step one to being blacklisted by all the companies you apply to
    via u/wtfaidhfr
  • 10
    Font - aphrahannah A Enthusiast [5] You can. I have. Most of the time a reference is just to check that you did the job that is written on the CV, not a "this person was amazing at their job" reference.
    via u/aphrahannah
  • 11
    Font - wtfaidhfr Pooperintendant [... Every application I have filled out specifically says to NOT put family as references
    via u/wtfaidhfr
  • 12
    Font - CosmicPolaris A YTA Enthusiast [7] You're an adult. Your wife isn't the one who wants to change jobs. It's on you and you don't put family members as references. They're seen as jokes.
    via u/CosmicPolaris
  • 13
    Font - Mountain_Sweet_5703 OP My wife desperately wants to change jobs.* Every single day we go over how much she hates her coworkers and her job and how much she wants me to get a career.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 14
    Font - *edit: my wife wants me to work a career and wants herself to not work at all. Wanting me to get a job is the same as wanting to stop working for her. I don't understand how this is an issue for the commenters bringing it up. I'm not trying to argue -8 Share
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 15
    Font - I_need_cheesecake A Enthusiast [5] YTA. You don't use family for references. Don't companies usually have rules against that anyway? Why are you calling your wife a secretary when you said she is the Head of HR? You sound like you're belittling her. On the resume thing, I don't think it was that she didn't want to help, I think she just couldn't figure out how to do what you wanted until you showed her and the light bulb went off.
    via u/I_need_cheesecake
  • 16
    Font - Mountain_Sweet_5703 OP Companies do have rules. But this is an anon form only supplying a name and email of the reference. My wife didn't take my name and her email is work related, so it wouldn't be traceable.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 17
    Font - She insists her title is Head of HR/Office admin. i asked if I could use that title for her coworker, who does the same exact thing as she does, my wife insisted she was only a receptionist. I know my wife does more than "just a secretary". Why was she insisting her coworker is a secretary instead of using stronger language was my issue. She is part of the family that decides how the business operates. Isn't that a COO or something?
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 18
    Font - But it's wrong for me to try to use that to our advantage? -7 Reply
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703

    The OP was getting frequently downvoted for his answers. 

  • 19
    Font - Annual-Intern5669. But this is an anon form only supplying a name and email of the reference. My wife didn't take my name and her email is work related, so it wouldn't be traceable. dude WHAT Also the entire point of references is that they are traceable.
    via u/Annual-Intern5669
  • 20
    Font - Mountain Sweet_57 03 OP I'm just telling you what the website told me my guy. The only spots for information was name and email. It's just a survey asking how I am as an employee, it's not even like a reference letter. It's weird, but I didn't make those rules 4-5 Reply
    via u/Mountain Sweet_57
  • 21
    Font - indicatprincess YTA You sound wonderful to work with! My wife is physically disabled. Not terribly, she can still work fine and nobody really knows, but it is serious and impacts her entire body. She desperately wants to follow the footsteps of every other woman in the family in being a stay at home spouse. As I don't have a degree or hard skills, I feel like ducking trash for not being able to support my wife when she complains every single day about having to work.
    via u/indicatprincess
  • 22
    Font - Ummmmm what does this have to do with a reference? I feel that she should 100% swallow the immorality of stretching a resume a little so that maybe I ing job can get a f that supports us. I feel it's fing weird that I have to beg and prod my wife to help me get a job, and she seems so reluctant to help. This is her JOB. She knows what she is doing. Back off.
    via u/indicatprincess
  • 23
    Font - Mountain_Sweet_5703 OP Thank you for responding. I felt my wife's disability was relevant, because if I can't secure a stable career with growth soon, I'm not going to be able to support us once her disability worsens. It is a huge stressor on both of us. I believe this makes the issue more important.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 24
    Font - I also know that everyone in the office she's in commits tax fraud as much as they can get away with. 4 -1 Reply
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 25
    Font - breadgluvs Tax fraud is an American pasttime, like baseball and apple pie. Sorry if this comment isn't helpful at all.
    via u/breadgluvs
  • 26
    Font - Mountain_Sweet_ 5703 OP It is indeed. And I consider myself a very moral person. Generations of poverty and only having your name usually create prideful who focus on living right more than doing well. I see a disgusting amount of wealth around me every day and I just want enough so she doesn't have to work anymore.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_ 5703
  • 27
    Font - 69 ComputerCrafty4781 Certified Proctologist [25] YTA Sounds like you are asking your wife to put her own job in jeopardy. And it would be clear to anyone that checked the references what was going on. Further, it would detract from your resume to have these lies and exaggerations. What is a potential employer to think? This person is trying to trick us with fake references, why would we want to hire someone like that?
    via u/ComputerCrafty4781
  • 28
    Font - While your wife should be able to help with basic formatting of your resume, it's up to you to fill in the relevant experience. Making your job search the responsibility of your wife is not only unfair, it's actually a big red flag for any employer. Is your wife going to go to work with you to handle any other challenges that come up. You've got to own this process. If there is some area where she could help, like internet searches, then ask. But falsifying your resume will not help eithe
    via u/ComputerCrafty4781
  • 29
    Font - Mountain_Sweet_5703 OP Thank you. The reference is not on the resume, it's a form online where I give only the names and emails of my references. My wife didn't take my name, and her email is work related, so it would be untraceable. I understand it may be immoral, but I wouldn't be falsifying anything at all. She is my supervisor as she reminds me frequently.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703
  • 30
    Font - DutchDave87. Parta ipant [2] This is just you trying to figure out what you can get away with. This sub and life in general is about the right thing to do. What you are doing ain't it.
    via u/DutchDave87
  • 31
    Font - Huge_Put8244 A Aficionado [17] You should really go to r/AskHR and post these questions. I think it's a grey area with your wife because she is technically your supervisor and that is the capacity in which she'd complete the form. I think the prohibition against friends and family as professional references is to keep people from listing their mommy as a reference because technically she gives them an allowance. However I think the bigger problem is that your wife clearly doesn't WANT to
    via u/Huge_Put8244
  • 32
    Font - GDD TheNewAnonima234. A Enthusiast [6] NAH. It is clear to me that you are both frustrated and neither of you are thinking clearly. The answer is simple. Just ask her to ask the Head Honcho if he'd be willing, considering the conflict of interest, and the fact that she's his personal assistant. Even if he doesn't have the time to, then maybe he could cook something up to give to the Receptionist so that she isn't going in blind without possibly knowing you.
    via u/TheNewAnonima234
  • 33
    Font - Mountain_Sweet_5703 OP. Thank you for the suggestion. We indeed are frazzled.
    via u/Mountain_Sweet_5703

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